i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
