found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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