Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
