her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am spending my child support on dildos
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
