I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
