i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
