I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
