I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
50% drunk capacity currently
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
