I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
