wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
