next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
