some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
