I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
