haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Non-Jews are for practice
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
