you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
