How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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