More tranny stories later!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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