omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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