I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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