my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I still have a little drunk in my system
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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