The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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