So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
