Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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