The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I need to calm my uterus...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
