I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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