Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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