I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
