you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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