is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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