i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
