I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
