Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
