i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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