Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
