I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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