Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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