the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
