currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
