that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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