Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
