Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
