I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Who died my cat blue again?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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