Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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