i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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