Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
