Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Too much gin, very little bucket
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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