I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
