I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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