Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
