I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
