I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
